Sudden thought

While sitting in the taxi going home after a happy night out, my mind suddenly went downhill and thought about death. Weird but that's what happened. I even had a thought that someone will come up to me and tell me, death is going to claim me. Whatever or whoever, it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters when the idea of death pop up is the persons I love. There are only a handfull (less than 10 fingers) and they are the only thing that matters, not my job, not my pay or bonus, not anything valuable in my possession that matters anymore. I am not going to list the persons as I think they know who they are, if they think they are not then very likely they aren't.

Ok, dying is scary. The scary part is losing those you care or love. Sad to say, only those who had close brush with death will realise the truth. For me, it let me know who are the ones I truly care about.

Somehow it linked to me looking deep into myself, seeking the reason why my heart had changed. Why, because it had bothered me a lot. I don't believe I am a bad person who toys with love.

Sad to say I came to realise the truth, I am bitter. My heart had changed because of the bitterness. Bitter about the fact that I was abandoned by the number 2 I love. (I love myself most, so she can only be number 2). Although the misunderstandings are cleared, I know, but to my heart, on the day I felt the abandonment. It bled and went into hiding, became very bitter. Now I finally realise why I cannot return to her, because deep down I am still feeling the bitterness about the abandonment. (subconciously)

Now that I know, I will conciously try to let go of the bitterness and forget about it. It is something that I didn't realise till now.

Why did I even blogged about it? I thought about just keeping to myself. But I feel, there are those I love and they deserve to know. For MiMi, it is not to blame her or cause her self blaming, because the fact here is that it is my heart who decide to be bitter and turned away. Nothing of the fault of MiMi as it is all a misunderstanding.

For Puppy, I think it will be good for her to know as my heart had turned to her, and she deserved to know why. Even though I know she will not be happy to know, yet I want her to know, my heart had turned to her and it will stay with her, till she give me up too.

The whole event is my fault and I am totally responsible for it. I will not run from all who want to blame me, neither will I run away from my decision.

Cheers,
MoMo

I pray that God give me strength to look into my heart and take away the bitterness (even the bitterness towards God).